hurt

sometimes people do things that hurt another person. sometimes its not intentional, but other times it is.

I am not sure about this particular instance, which hurt me grievously... It was one of the students... She hates me... and this isnt the first time she affected me this way. Once before in class, she shouted at me as to why I was there, that I wasnt American, why was I then teaching English... At another instance she had peevishly asked when Amy was going to come. Why did I come to that school so much. I wondered what I was doing wrong that Amy and David were doing right. I thought maybe its because I am not American {as in caucasian}. I tried my best to be good to her. I never did anything bad anyway, as far as I know. I forgot what had happened and thought everything was ok, but today she clapped when I said it was my last class and said yay when I said I am going back to India in August. I couldnt understand her irrational hate. But I couldnt feel any other emotion but hurt. I dont hate her back, nor do I dislike her. I cant like her just yet and it will take a little time to follow gabrielle and love her back.

For my last lesson I gave students things from India as prizes for asking questions about India, or anwsering those that I asked. The third years were completely unenthusiastic apart from one or two students. Their ungenkiness made me feel worse... I honestly tried my best... The second years were my saving grace.

I feel I failed as a teacher. Even one student having such strong feelings against me as a judement of my teaching. Inspite of the fact that at that school, hiromi sensei does the teaching and ALTs follow her lead... In my future, I want to teach. I want it to be my livelihood. Its silly in a way that I let her affect me that much... One student cannot be a reflection of my teaching. Especially one who is obviously troubled... It still doesnt stop the hurt. It seems like my year here been useless. I have not achieved anything. The kids are glad I am leaving and that there will be American ALTs again.

This got me thinking, how subtle cultural differences exist, and these difference, can grow into mountain between people. Isnt this the beginning of racism? When we refuse to allow people their differences?

Many people misunderstood me. They never realised that maybe its a cultural difference that I did/said/felt the way I did... I am Indian, and its easy to forget that as I dont behave like the stereotypical image of an Indian person. I now know why Tokashiki happened, I was trying too hard to fit in and didnt realise that I was undergoing culture shock. I never experienced culture shock from the Japanese, I was too much like them myself. It was all the western ALTs that made me feel different and uncool. I wanted to be like they were, and felt I couldnt live upto their standards. I was so naive, n still am... I was friendly with everyone, n still want to be so... I dont hate anyone, even though I know many people dont like me ... I have drifted apart. I am sad... but maybe this might make returning easy. but I do not want to end it this way. I am conflicted. May Ishigaki be my saviour...